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It seems like every other post on Instagram these days is about ridding your life of toxic people. That’s easy to do with some stranger online, it’s not so simple to unfriend someone in real life. And before you are tempted to, watch this video.

It’s easy to call someone toxic. But it’s not the person who's toxic, it’s their BEHAVIOR that’s toxic. Just hear me out… Everyone has negative qualities. And everyone is capable of acting in ways that are toxic to other people. And here’s the kicker: Most of us don’t know when we’re acting toxic because NO ONE TELLS US. That’s why we keep doing it.

What makes another person’s behavior toxic is when it crosses YOUR boundary. That’s why someone who is acting toxic is an amazing teacher. Their behavior triggers YOU. If they are your friend or your family member, it’s your responsibility to say something. If you just keep ignoring them, staying silent, or ghost them because that’s easier guess who’s now acting toxic too…

The next time you are triggered, it is an opportunity for YOU to grow.

Step #1: Notice that their behavior crossed YOUR boundary.
Step #2: Say something! Don’t point to their behavior, explain YOUR boundary.

Something like, “I feel used when you borrow my stuff without asking.” “I am not comfortable talking politics with you.” “My weight (my love life, my job, my race, my sexuality, my finances) is not something I am willing to discuss with you.” Focus on your boundary.

Step #3: Go deeper What triggers you exactly and what are you making it mean about YOU? Maybe there’s something that you need to heal? Maybe there’s a pattern of thinking that you need to update?

You’re going to bump into a lot of jerks in your life that don’t bother you at all. So if you’re triggered, it is trying to teach you something. What happens to the friendship is beside the point. It says more about you, your growth, and who you are as a friend by choosing to check in with yourself and them, before you unfriend.

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