Dealing with powerful emotions can be challenging enough, but often we think we're feeling one emotion when really there's another fueling it. Dr. Christina Hibbert, clinical psychologist, author, and speaker, explains the difference between primary and secondary emotions, why it's important to identify each, and how to do so.

VIDEO SUMMARY

When powerful emotions arise, it can be tough to know what to do with them. In my practice, I see this all the time, and it has helped tremendously to teach my clients about primary and secondary emotions.

The main principle here is that beneath all secondary emotions is always a primary, deeper, emotion. As we tap into that deeper emotion, we get to the source of what we're feeling instead of trying to manage our feelings from the surface.

Examples of secondary emotions include: anger, guilt, frustration, overwhelm, worry, irritability, anxiety. When we focus on dealing with these, the more surface, emotions, we are missing the mark. In fact, it can often intensify what we feel. For example, if I'm angry at my child because she ran into a busy street and I yell at her, it might help in the moment to scare her back to safety, but if I stay angry, I'm only going to damage the relationship. Instead, if I can identify the underlying primary emotionsin this case, fearI can meet my daughter from a more loving place of "I was so afraid when you did that," versus the angry place of "What were you thinking?!'

Primary emotions include fear, sadness, pain, grief, or even joy. These are deeper, more intense emotions, and if we can tap down into these and FEEL them, it typically empowers us to approach our feelings in a calmer, more effective way.

Take anxiety for example. We may feel anxious, but really, we are afraidafraid of losing something or someone, afraid of not being good enough, afraid of personal harm or injury. As we tap into the primary emotion beneath the anxietyfearwe can then work to FEEL the fear and deal with that core emotion, and then, we can choose to let it go. If we never identify and feel the fear, we cannot and will not let it go.



As we work to identify the underlying emotions we're really feeling, we gain more power over our emotions and how to handle them. Not only will this help us personally deal with life challenges and emotions; it's especially helpful for our relationships.

As we identify that we are hurt or sad or in pain because of the actions of others, we can then express that hurt or sadness or pain instead of staying up in the anger or frustration that can too often damage relationships. And once we learn these things, we can then model and teach them to our children, as well.

Watch "How to Cope with Overwhelming Emotions: FEEL"    • How to Cope w/ Overwhelming Emotions:...   and check out "FEEL: How to Cope with Powerful Emotions" http://www.drchristinahibbert.com/fee... for more on how to FEEL and deal with powerful emotions.

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**"3Minute Therapy" with Dr. Christina Hibbert is for educational purposes only and not in any way intended to replace personal mental health or medical care.