#emotionalneeds #hurt

Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 262 is titled “Frustrated by Never Enough”.  Does it ever seem like your adult child cannot ever be pleased with you no matter what you do?  Maybe it’s your parent that can’t be satisfied.   Either way, we’ll be talking about that at The Table this evening.

Pull up a seat at the table and join us!

Description The “Never Enough” game helps keep a relationship agenda always on the table. The message to the “Frustrated” partner is, “I need you around to keep trying!” If you only do “this or that,” “Never Enough” finds something else to be dissatisfied about, and the game continues. “Frustrated” may become angry, give up, or seek appreciation elsewhere. “Never Enough” may often not even realize this game is going on.

Benefits “Never Enough” may be unconsciously played by the overly needy person who needs attention, security, or intimacy, but searches for them through a partner’s performance. This game may also be prompted by “Never Enough’s” fear that the “Frustrated” will not be motivated to give without constant messages of dissatisfaction. As long as they continue to play, this fear doesn’t have to be faced.

Examples

Parent as Never Enough

NE: I need to go shopping.

F: I can take you this weekend.

NE: You spend too much time away from your family.

Adult Child as Never Enough

NE: I need help with the baby this weekend.

F: I’ll come over and watch them on Saturday.

NE: You seem to always push your way into our house; I don’t want you critiquing how messy it is.

Underlying Issues

Unmet Needs “Never Enough” often has many unmet emotional needs but seeks to feel special or secure through “Frustrated’s” performance. To feel secure, the performance must continue. “Frustrated” often needs belonging.

Unhealed Hurts “Never Enough” may have unhealed hurts which are to be “made up for” by “Frustrated’s” performance. Forgiveness might be verbalized but not really given until performance occurs. “Frustrated” may express passiveaggressive anger. Fear would be common in both.

Faulty Thinking “Never Enough” might “personalize” disappointments into personal rejections or “polarize” by expecting perfect performance. “Generalizing” past hurts into the future would be common. “Frustrated” might “personalize” any expressed need as criticism and magnify criticisms.

Unhealed Childhood Hurts “Never Enough” often missed much but may have developed a selfsufficient performance to cope—thus the pressure for “Frustrated” to perform also. “Frustrated” may have missed out on approval and acceptance, feeling a conditional pressure to perform.

Ways to Disengage

“Never Enough” can disengage in the following ways:

Think through what you already have to be grateful forExample: Complete a “Journal of Gratefulness.”

Express appreciation privately and publicly to “Frustrated”Example: Appreciation exercises, e.g., “I really appreciate you for _________.”

Think through your top three current wishes. Express them and appreciate them when fulfilledExample: “Wish List” exercise, e.g., “I think I would really enjoy _________.”

The Game is Over!

“Frustrated” can disengage in the following ways:

Express your commitmentExample: “I’m deeply committed to being supportive and available to you.”

Express your needExample: “It means so much to me when I sense your appreciation and acceptance of my efforts to support you. Could you acknowledge my efforts in (share specifics)?”

Express your appreciationExample: “Thanks for noticing my efforts in (share specifics). Your appreciation really motivates me.”

The Game is Over!