You’re not alone if you don’t know what to say when someone has cancer. Rebecca Rand is clinical social worker and psychotherapist. She counsels patients at the Regional Cancer Center.

“I handle the emotional aspects of getting the cancer diagnosis,” says Rand.
As much as family members, friends, neighbors and coworkers want to express support, she cautions not to lose sight. This disease is not about you, it’s about them. And most new cancer patients are in a state of shock.
“When they initially get the diagnosis sometimes it’s overwhelming to have too many people involved in the process because it’s very private,” says Rand.
So tread lightly and chose your words carefully. If you are not family or a close friend, start with someone who is.
“Respect the privacy of each individual as they go through the process and say through the family member is there anything I can do?” says Rand.

A cancer diagnosis is followed by a whirlwind of activity. Most people quickly engage in treatment. While they adjust to what might be a lengthy process, they try to get on with life and generally want you to let them.

“What I hear mostly from the patients themselves is that they don’t want to be treated differently. They don’t want to have people respond in a way that they feel sorry for them,” says Rand.
Good options to show support are things like:’ I’m here if you feel like talking’ or ‘I care about you’. Instead of: ‘I know just how you feel or don’t worry’. Finally, follow their lead.
“Some people cry, some people close down. Some people are very talkative or chatty. You have to really individualize how you respond to that person,” says Rand.
And don’t avoid a sick friend or stop calling out of fear. Sometimes just saying ‘I don’t know what to say’ is better nothing at all.

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