Forgiveness can be really difficult. What's in it for you?

Dr. Fred Luskin, Director of the Stanford Forgiveness Projects, is a forgiveness teacher whose overarching message was to make peace with your life. “Happiness is wanting what you have and stress is wanting anything else.” If you are arguing with your life and dragging stuff with you without letting go, it will never lead to happiness. Being a victim or identifying with parts of your life that did not work out creates unhappiness.

In essence, forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past. Many of us share the experience of being wounded by past romantic partners, and yet, we have agency. We can adjust our expectations so that we do not expect all relationships to work out. We can trust ourselves, and in particular, our hearts’ ability to recover. Forgiveness is a way to give your own heart back to yourself.

We can develop more coping and resilience. Without forgiveness, many of us hold onto our wounds and use them as an eclipse, blocking ourselves from beauty, love and goodness. Instead, we can train our minds to pay attention to human kindness and catalog the goodness in ourselves and all around us. Practicing gratitude is the foundation of forgiveness.