Who would you be if you were living as your best self? What would you look like? How would you spend your time? What habits would you have or not have?

Why do you think you’re not living that version of yourself?

There are many reasons, conscious and unconscious, that we stay stuck in unhealthy or unsatisfying behaviors. I am going to teach you a way to reveal your secondary gain. These are the more hidden or covert reasons for staying stuck why we can't lose the weight, stop binging Netflix, or leave the bad relationship. Whatever your circumstance is, why you stay stuck is as unique as you are. It's certainly not because you want to be miserable or because you’re “crazy,” there's an actual psychological device at work here.

A simple way of understanding secondary gain is by looking at what feelings or situation you get to avoid by staying stuck. It’s not a primary gain because no one consciously wants to stay stuck, but when you start to uncover the ‘benefit’ you receive from not solving the problem, you will have a better shot at resolving it.

For example, an alcoholic might stay stuck in that unhealthy behavior because the secondary gain they receive is numbing the feelings they are afraid to feel. A person who doesn’t date a lot receives the secondary gain of never having to be vulnerable. Understanding secondary gain is a tool that you can use in all areas of your life.

I also want to clarify that secondary gain and a hidden agenda are two different things. If you are hoping a pal who owns a country house will invite you to their home by asking if they have summer plans, that is a hidden agenda. Unlike secondary gain, a hidden agenda is not subconscious; the person who holds it is fully aware.

Secondary gain can be challenging because much of the time, the benefits are hidden and counterintuitive and your motive is subconscious. Also, the reason for taking a particular action is not always a justification. An addict may use drugs or alcohol to avoid feeling pain from childhood abuse. The abuse is not an excuse for addictive behavior but it does provide a deeper understanding of how selfmedication became so compelling.

Once you start using this lens with which to view any area you find yourself stuck, your secondary gain will start to become obvious. Understanding yourself more deeply can become the catalyst to change what’s not working so you can create a life that thrills you!

Download the Secondary Gains Blueprint (http://terricole.pages.ontraport.net/..., which is a list of empowered questions, to find out the unconscious secondary gain you’re receiving by not changing your situation.

TIME STAMPS:
0:00 Introduction
1:13 What is a "secondary gain"?
2:08 Examples of a secondary gain
6:45 Not speaking your mind
7:40 Addiction as a secondary gain
9:50 Imagining yourself without this crutch

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ABOUT TERRI COLE
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary BossThe Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.

For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stayathome moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.

She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She inspires over 450,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. For more, see https://www.terricole.com/

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