it’s been a year since my last (and last ever) suicide attempt. it was a scary time for me, i was petrified of the world, of my friends, of food, of everything. i felt so isolated and alone, i felt like no one would ever understand what i was going through, because what i was experiencing didn’t even feel real. it wasn’t even like my head was a mess it was like i didn’t even have a head to be messed with, i was so hollow barely there. i tried to make myself small over the months beforehand, so small that people wouldn’t notice when i disappeared.
But I didn’t disappear.
I cracked that’s for sure, I crumbled and I’m still putting myself back together. I don’t think people realise how traumatic a suicide attempt is, you’re brain genuinely believes that you’re done, that there’s no hope left in you. But all of a sudden you open your eyes and reality hits, you didnt die and there are two options, either you continue to try and run from reality or you run at it head on. I chose to run head on this time and as cheesy as it sounds, I’m so grateful I did.
Life is different now, I’m different, im not hollow but full, full of hope, of gratitude, of life.
I want to thank everyone who has stuck around with me, I know I haven’t been easy but I’m trying to change that. I’m so grateful for you, you’ve changed my life more than you’ll ever know.
The past year has been full of growth and sprinkled with a lot of challenges but I can’t explain how good it feels to not be in that dark place anymore. “The body achieves what the mind believes”. If you’re in that dark place, please reach out, don’t let it overtake you. Know that it’s more courageous to fight then to succumb. Know that asking for help doesn’t make you weak and the world isn’t as scary as it may seem.
massive thankyou to @vexking for inspiring me to recover. without your book my mind would never have been opened.
To finish I just want to say that everyday I choose to wake up and fight, and over time it’s gotten easier. I’m starting to hug life and slowly I feel like it’s hugging me back.

lots of love marie xx

Olivias blogpost: https://oliviainwonderland.wordpress....

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