Since 2010, I have had significant issues with my pancreas. I have had minor procedures done to open up my bile ducts, place stents and sphincters cut. I have been prescribed pancreatic enzymes to help breakdown the food I eat. These have been stop gap measures to try to keep my pancreas functioning. In 2010, I had a feeding tube placed. It was a disaster. In 2011, my tube feedings were stopped and I ended up on IV nutrition called TPN. Over time, I was able to again eat by mouth and TPN was discontinued. I struggled to eat. I had a feeding tube again in 2017. It did not go well. I went back on TPN for a short while in 2018. I had more procedures done on my pancreas and I once again regained the ability to eat by mouth. #GodisMyStrength #StarvingtoDeath #INeedAMiracle

In February of 2020, my pancreas started acting up more and more. I started cutting out various foods. By November, all food including fruits and vegetables began aggravating my pancreas. I had to wait until December to see my GI doctor. He suggested getting a feeding tube placed into my intestines. This would hopefully rest my pancreas and allow me to get nutrition via the feeding tube. I was leery about this treatment option because previous feeding tubes have failed…but if this is what the doctor wanted and if this is what my doctor who is an expert on the pancreas recommended, I would comply.

Several weeks ago, I had the feeding tube placed. The surgery upset my GI tract and made my pancreas angry. After the surgery, I had a pancreatitis attack when I tried to drink water. The feeding tube was tried on a very slow setting, but within an hour, my pancreas was roaring in pain and spasming. The feeding tube was trialled four times. Infusing at just 10 milliliters per hour caused severe pain. The tube feedings were stopped.

Since having the surgery, I can no longer tolerate eating solid food. Everything must be processed in a blender and made into a puree. However, even pureed food causes my abdomen to swell, my intestines to spasm and my pancreas to erupt in pain. My GI tract seems to be in worse shape than what it is was before getting the feeding tube.

I want to be angry. I want to be upset. But I know God is using this situation to teach me lessons and show me things I need to understand. One of the biggest lessons I have learned is that my body cannot undergo surgery.

In 2020, I had a portacath placed. That was a brutal procedure and did not go well. I ended having the port removed. It took about five months to recover. In 2017, I got my tracheotomy tube. That was an extremely easy procedure and took about a week to recover. Then, my next surgery was in 2014 when I had my intestines repaired from having a feeding tube. The surgery was a piece of cake and took several weeks to recover. And going back farther and farther, procedures and surgeries were fairly easy, and I recovered relatively quickly. Now my body is older; it takes more time for my wounds to heal, It takes more energy to overcome hurdles, obstacles and health setbacks. Even small procedures take a tremendous toll on my body.

Recently, I had an appointment with a GI doctor. He did not seem to understand the severity of my inability to eat and the pain I develop when I use my feeding tube. The appointment ended with the doctor wanting to get a MRI of my pancreas and liver. I was crushed. I thought the doctor would recognize the urgency of my need to get nutrition. I imagined he would tell me I needed TPN. I imagined he would be shocked that I had lost 5 pounds in two weeks. I thought he would have some concern and empathy toward my rapid decline in health. But instead, the only thing the doctor wanted was a test…a test which would take several weeks to set up. Then it would be many more weeks for a followup appointment. I was concerned. How long could I last in this state.

A few days have passed. I am having severe shortness of breath. I can barely move and then I gasp for air. I feel so weak. I feel as though I am going to fall over. My chest aches and my heart hurts. I am startled by my rapid decline. My body is working hard to keep me alive, but my lack of nutrition is quickly depleting my body of essential energy.

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