When you get into a new relationship, do you ever make assumptions that the other person has the same morals, values, and integrity as you…

…without having a conversation about those things?

Do you think healthy relationships just develop naturally on their own?

If this is you, you’re not alone. Unspoken assumptions + lack of communication around boundaries are some of the most common pitfalls we can hit early in relationships.

Healthy boundaries are the bridges to amazing relationships and deeper intimacy. Put simply, your boundaries are built on what is and what isn’t OK with you. They are your preferences, limits, and dealbreakers. Having healthy boundaries means knowing yourself, what’s important to you, and having the ability to communicate those things directly and transparently when you so choose.

I want you to think about them as your own personal rules for engagement like a user manual for YOU how you want to be treated and what your nonnegotiables are. So many of us can make assumptions that we are all on the same page when it comes to these things when the reality is, we’re not.

Part of what can happen is something called positive projection, where we project our best qualities onto the other person. This is usually an unconscious process, but raising your awareness of it is important so things don’t go unspoken and assumptions don’t set us up for disappointment. We need evidence before we make a positive judgment about someone else’s character, integrity, and motives.

Why is it so hard to set boundaries in relationships?

Fear of rejection is a big part of it. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, we are showing up as the best versions of ourselves. There can be this sort of pink cloud of love’s possibilities where we want to avoid bursting that bubble.

With assumptions come silent agreements. That is why I say set your boundaries early and often. If you don’t talk about something at the beginning of a relationship, it’s almost like colluding with the other person’s behavior. When you let things that bother you slide, you are silently agreeing that it’s OK. What we want are clean agreements, meaning, we can communicate effectively to manage each other’s expectations.

Download the free guide that goes along with this episode here: https://www.terricole.com/5foundatio...

Time stamps:
0:00 Intro
2:06 Why boundaries are your own personal rules of engagement
2:59 Why are boundaries so difficult to set at the beginning of a relationship? (Positive projection, fear of rejection, silent agreements)
5:48 How do healthy boundaries contribute to healthy relationships?
7:35 Physical boundaries
10:52 Emotional boundaries
13:01 Sexual boundaries
14:47 Intellectual boundaries
16:40 Money/financial boundaries

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How to Handle Crossed Boundaries    • How to Handle Crossed Boundaries  
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ABOUT TERRI COLE
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary BossThe Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.

For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stayathome moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.

She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She inspires over 450,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. For more, see https://www.terricole.com/

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