In this video Psychologist Dr. Becky Spelman talks about why people with Borderline personality disorder (BPD) and Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) tend to attract intensely and end up having quite high conflict dramatic relationships with one another.

People who are very high on the traits of these personality disorders often attract because of both the similarities and the differences that these individuals have.

Similaries between people with these personality disorders or traits have a fear of abandonment, stormy relationships, impaired insight, poor boundaries, cognitive distortions, a need for constant attention and also tend to idealise and devalue people.

There are however many differences between these disorders.

People with Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) have a grandiose view of themselves and like control and power and feel they should receive special attention, they have fantasies of unlimited power and success and their image of themselves is consist. They have less of a need for strong connections with others.

People with Borderline personality disorder (BPD) feel frightened of abandoned and feel desperate if they feel this may happen, they are far more submissive than Narcissistic, have an unstable self image, low value of self and a greater need to connect to others.

Why they attract
These personalities magnetise. The borderline sees everything they are not in the Narcissist, they admire their confidence and feel that their self esteem is boosted by being involved with them, providing them with a sense of completeness so they throw themselves in to this relationship.

From the Narcissist point of view they have found someone who gives them continuous validation and attention, this affirms and reaffirms their idealised sense of self.

Initially the relationship will work out really well until one person doesn’t get what they want and the relationship becomes volatile.

When Narcissist don’t feel like they are being idealised they will change from being the charismatic saviour type to cold and distant, this is the borderlines worst nightmare as it triggers their fear of abandonment. The person with BPD will then often chase the Narcissist pursing love and attention from them but this plays right in to the Narcissist desire for control and attention. The Narcissist will often (but not always) take their BPD partner back, repeating the cycle again.

This cycle of dysfunction can often repeat itself for years with either the same partner or different partners.

Treatment compliance is difficult due to fear of change, there is an odd sense of comfort in the disfunction, fear of change.

Dr. Becky Spelman also gives a real life client example in this video.

Dr. Becky Spelman is a top Psychologist in London, Becky is the Clinic Director for Private Therapy Clinic which has clinic's based all around central London including; Harley Street, Wigmore Street, Bank, Earls Court & Canary Wharf. Becky uses Psychodynamic Therapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing, Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and Mindfulness to treat a range of difficulties with a particular interest in Borderline Personality Disorder and the difficulties that go with this condition such as relationship difficulties, anxiety, depression, lowself esteem, social anxiety, fear of public speaking, fear of intimacy, interpersonal difficulties, anger, body image issues, eating disorders and addictions.

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